If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
where does the pee come out of this thing
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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