you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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