I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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