we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
whose parrot is this?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
