Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
