Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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