umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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