I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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