You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
