why didn't you poke me back
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
