I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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