i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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