I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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