I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
