why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
