i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
