I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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