I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
