whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
