The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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