one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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