He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
