I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
