So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
