Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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