you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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