If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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