you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
