just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
