I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
