The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
