Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
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Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
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I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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