My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
