I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
