I want to walk on stilts...naked
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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