I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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