We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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