No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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