I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
two words...techno handjob
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
