tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
