I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
