I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
