'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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