I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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