This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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