A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
