I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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