He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
