You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
