tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
