I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
