new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Randomize
