Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
