covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
